A friend of mine recently got engaged to be married this winter and I couldn’t be more thrilled for her.
I think it just comes with the human genome when we hear such news that we just want to jump in and tell our friends exactly what to do and how to do it. No doubt my dear friend has already been bombarded by completely unwarranted marriage advice, left and right, from anyone and everyone.
I know I certainly was, when I got engaged.
Regardless, my human genome had the exact same reaction: I want to tell her so many things about weddings and marriages and all that fun stuff!
But…technically it’s none of my business. And I don’t think she’s chomping at the bit to hear me and my little tidbit, as wonderful as it may be.
However I have one thing she doesn’t: a blog. And that means I can rattle off about whatever topic I want and post it here at my leisure. And so this is how I’m going to channel that nosy, tell-you-what-to-do instinct of mine: by writing about it. She can read this and take it to heart if she wants to…or she can go along her merry way and ignore me completely.
But seriously, I have good things to say, so if she (or anyone else out there) really wants to talk serious marriage stuff, then read on.
I’ve been married for six years. We have three beautiful children, have moved twice, juggle both our large families, have had three different jobs, have faced hard times and easy times, closed old chapters and welcomed new ones. And we balance all of that together as partners, best friends, and as husband and wife.
Those credentials are few, I know, but our journey through marriage, as short as its been so far, has already changed me for the better and I’ve grown a lot. I want that same success, growth, and happiness for my friend and everyone else out there embarking on this journey of marriage. And so I present to you my six MOST IMPORTANT bits of marriage advice.
You’re welcome.
“Happily Ever After” DOES exist!
As some of you know, I’m an avid fantasy fan–reading it, watching it, and even writing it! I love princesses, dragons, magic, castles, sword fights, and true love’s first kiss. All that jazz! Yes! Yes! Yes!
But do you know what else I love about fantasy? The happily ever after.
And it drives me CRAZY when every other person in the world sneers, puts their hands on their hips in a snobbish kind of way, and whines, “Happily ever after isn’t real! No one is perfect!” And then they go and preach that “happily ever after” is a toxic idea.
You’re WRONG.
I don’t stinking know why the phrase “happily ever after” suddenly became “perfectly ever after” without batting an eye. No one said “perfect” except for you, you big dummy!
Let me be absolutely clear on this, once and for all:
You don’t have to be perfect to be happy.
Your spouse doesn’t have to be perfect for you to be happy.
Your relationship doesn’t have to be perfect for you to be happy.
You don’t have to never face a single trial in order to be happy.
Perfection doesn’t equal happiness, and happiness doesn’t equal perfection either.
Sheesh, people, seriously. It’s not that hard.
If only perfect people were happy, then guess what? No one in the whole history of the world would ever be happy, not ever. Imperfect people find happiness in life all the time and that’s a very hopeful tidbit of knowledge.
So I’m going to blow your mind here: you can be happy in your marriage, but that doesn’t mean you’ll constantly be perfect. Far from it.
Yes, you’ll face challenges in your life. You’ll endure hard things together. You’ll make mistakes, plans will fall through, unexpected emergencies will ruin your holidays, disappointments will hang over you, and sometimes life just won’t work out.
But those bumps along the road don’t mean you have to be unhappy. You can still find happiness. You can still live happily ever after.
In fact, part of the point of marriage is to help us find that happiness, even in the hard times. You now have a loving, caring partner beside you to hold your hand through the ups and downs and to wade through the difficulties of life with you. That knowledge should make you wonderfully happy and grateful. Marriage is a wonderful thing for that exact reason.
Perfectly ever after doesn’t exist, but happily ever after does. And you can have it too, just like those princesses you always read about as a little girl.
Don’t confuse what I’m trying to say here. Happiness isn’t a tangible object that you can find, grab hold of, and then simply own as long as its in your possession. Happiness, both in marriage and without, is a constantly-fluctuating state that you must strive for. You must choose happiness.
So fill your life with people who make you feel loved, spend your time doing useful things that give you purpose, and live with a meaning that will anchor you through hard times. That’s how you find and keep your happiness.
Don’t fight.
You might be surprised at this one. For every time you’ve heard someone say, “Happily ever after doesn’t exist!” I’m sure you’ve also heard someone say, “All couples fight sometimes.”
Not true.
My husband and I don’t fight. True story. Don’t just roll your eyes at me and scoff, saying “Yeah right!” Seriously. Don’t. Because you’re wrong.
My husband was very close with his high school choir teacher, and he was the one who initially told my husband that he didn’t fight with his wife. He shared this nugget of wisdom: You can disagree without fighting.
So when we got engaged, my now-husband shared this with me and how important it was to him. And so we made an agreement: we wouldn’t fight.
Note that that doesn’t mean we always agree, far from it. But we started our marriage on that vital promise, that we wouldn’t fight, and six years in we’re still going strong.
Believe it or not, but there are healthy and productive ways to resolve differences, even really hard and uncomfortable differences. And just like you can choose happiness, you can also choose whether or not you let your disagreements escalate out of control and become a full-blown fight.
It sounds easier said than done, I know. But here are a few suggestions to help you to not fight.
- Stay in control of your emotions.
Believe it or not, but you are actually an adult with a fully-developed brain. Therefore, I have faith that you are also mature enough and disciplined enough to stay in control of your emotions.
My toddlers struggle with their big emotions, and they often blow up with big tantrums when they lose control. Yes, they are very emotional little boys, but they’re four and two–you are not. You are an adult. You can stay in control of your emotions better than a two-year-old, I’m sure, without throwing a temper tantrum.
You’ll get mad at your spouse sometimes, yes. You’ll get annoyed or bothered or whatever it is, yes. But don’t let that emotion control you. Don’t fly off the handle and don’t jump to an extreme reaction. Don’t let those molehills become mountains.
Even when you’re feeling upset, never let that emotion drive you to screaming, cussing, name-calling, or losing your temper. If you struggle keeping your emotions in check or handling stressful situations in a mature way, I genuinely suggest you find a good therapist who can offer some helpful tools in managing your stress and anger.
- Be quick to forgive and don’t hold grudges.
My mom taught me this old term: “gunny sacking.” It’s when someone silently takes all their spouse’s faults and mistakes and then mentally stores them up in a metaphorical “gunny sack” (which is like a burlap bag). And then, whenever a new argument arises, the gunny-sacker will bring up all those old grievances and issues from years and years ago as “more” evidence against the other.
This is not forgiveness. The Lord says that when we repent, he will “remember our sins no more.” Grant your spouse the same courtesy: after they apologize, let that thing go forever. Don’t bring it up again and don’t hold onto it in your emotional little gunny sack.
- Apologize quickly.
Just because my husband and I don’t fight doesn’t mean we’ve never accidentally snapped at each other. We’re both human, after all. And sometimes we get frustrated and we snap. But we always come back and apologize quickly. Don’t hold onto this stuff for days or weeks: if you snap, own up to it and apologize quickly.
- Be open to hearing your spouse’s ideas and opinions. Don’t shut him/her down without properly listening.
My husband and I are different people (no duh) and we often come at problems with totally different solutions. This can be a huge source of disagreement between us–things like how to spend our money, how to discipline our children, how to manage our home, how much time we should spend with our in-laws, how we should vacation, and the list goes on and on.
I discovered early on in our marriage that I tend to react to these kinds of situations quickly and instinctively…and sometimes angrily and defensively. When he’d present some idea, I’d immediately jump to, “No way, Jose! That’s ridiculous! We can’t do that! What about this, this, this…”
Up went my communication barrier and down went my listening skills.
It took practice to not react so impulsively, and it’s something I still work on–at least I’m working on my poker face. But still, I’ve learned that it’s best to hear him out completely, to let him explain his entire reasoning behind his suggestion, and to let him address any problems on his own.
In fact, we faced this exact situation a few months ago:
My husband is a collector of old machines, namely typewriters and teletypes. Well, one day he approached me and suggested a family road trip…to pick up more machines for his collection.
I wasn’t very thrilled with that idea, to say the least.
Just like I tend to do, up went my defensive barriers. I internally started firing off reasons NOT to go. I really wanted to shoot down the entire idea then and there, but I successfully held my poker face and let him detail his entire idea to me, start to finish. (Note that this is a skill I’ve worked on for our entire marriage, this not-reacting. This has come from years of practice.)
He told me his entire idea and then asked what I thought about it.
I heard a useful adage once that said you don’t win an argument by spouting out a big lecture, but simply by asking questions. This is a great knowledge-nugget to use in situations like this. So instead of shouting, “No way! I don’t want to do that!” I just started asking questions.
“The boys can’t make that whole drive in one day. Have you looked at places to stop and stay the night? How will we haul these machines? What other things have you planned to make this a family trip, not just a pick-up-machines trip? What toddler-age activities have you found?”
Some of these questions he already had answers to, but others he hadn’t thought of. But we avoided an argument entirely, which is the point here. He went and did more research on the topic, and ultimately made the decision on his own that this wouldn’t be a kids-appropriate trip (Covid also played a part in this, by the way, which was downright annoying).
He was disappointed, but it all worked out in the end. We planned a different, more family-friendly vacation and he later made the machines-pick-up trip on his own, which was faster and easier than hauling three small children around with delicate, heavy, and expensive machines. And he had a great time, enjoyed getting new machines for his collection, and we never had a single argument about the whole thing.
Like I said, this very recent success story of good communication and avoiding a fight has been a work in progress and we both used skills that we’ve been practicing for years and years. Still, take some nuggets of wisdom from this example:
Don’t jump to conclusions. Hear your spouse out entirely. Ask questions instead of just shooting him down. By reacting calmly to his proposal, I showed that I still support him and his hobby while still being concerned about taking care of our family’s needs as a whole.
- Recognize when a situation is escalating and take a break to calm down.
There is an old marriage adage that says, “Don’t go to bed angry.” I actually disagree.
You will get angry at your spouse sometimes, yes. That’s a given. Sometimes, if you sense that you won’t be able to keep yourself in control, it’s a good idea to take a break, even if that break is overnight and you “go to bed angry.”
It’s usually very refreshing to take a break, not only to get your emotions in control, but to be able to see the entire issue with fresh eyes, not rage-filled ones. You might even realize that the issue isn’t nearly as big of a deal as you thought it was in the first place.
And be totally, completely, 100% honest with your spouse about when you need a break and why. “I’m too worked up to talk about this right now.” “I’m super upset right now and I need some time to myself.”
Then be true to your word–take a break, clear you head, and come back to discuss the issue openly and calmly. Taking a break doesn’t mean you’re brushing the issue under the rug and ignoring it; still tackle it, but in a healthy and controlled way.
Of course, grant your spouse the same courtesy; if he requests a break, don’t push him into a hard conversation that he isn’t emotionally ready to have.
Don’t speak negatively about your spouse.
At the time I got engaged I was working as an aide at an elementary school. I ended the school year, got married that summer, and then returned to work that fall as a Mrs.
I still remember one of the very first conversations I had when I went back to work, on that very first day of school. A lot of my coworkers, whom I hadn’t seen all summer, approached me first thing in the morning to congratulate me on my recent wedding. One woman in particular, as we all talked about me being a newlywed, asked me very bluntly, “So, have you guys had any big arguments yet?”
I was super thrown off. What was I supposed to say, especially in front of all the rest of my coworkers?
Truly the answer was no, we hadn’t had a big argument (see my above note: my husband and I don’t fight). But it was the fact that she even asked that threw me the most. And she was just a regular coworker, not like a very close and intimate friend whom I would normally share personal details with anyway.
Obviously I must have paused too long in my answer because I remember she asked again, pushed harder. “Like a really big argument. Have you had like a really big argument yet?”
I don’t remember exactly what I answered, except that it was a sarcastic joke to diffuse the tension (that’s my coping mechanism for uncomfortable situations; I’m not saying it’s a good coping mechanism, but it’s mine just the same). And the conversation moved on to something else.
I do remember how uncomfortable and put-on-the-spot I felt. What was she honestly expecting? That I’d pour out my soul and spill some juicy drama about some raging, screaming match that we’d had, right there for all my coworkers?
I wish I could say that this situation is unique in my life, but unfortunately I’ve had plenty of similar conversations that led to similar places. This was by the far the most intrusive and uncomfortable of these situations, but I’ve encountered a great deal of people who are just looking for gossip. And nothing entices a nosy gossip more than a spouses-in-crisis story.
But here’s the kicker: DON’T tell those gossips ANYTHING. It’s not their business, for starters, and it will only hurt your marriage in general.
Remember, you know your spouse better than just about anyone in the world, both the good and the bad (at least you will, after some time). But your friends/coworkers/extended family members, etc. don’t know him, definitely not nearly to the same extent you do. Their greatest knowledge of him will come from what you tell them, either the good or the bad. If you constantly badmouth your spouse and complain about him, that’s all they’ll ever know about him. And you don’t want that. No one wants that.
You love your spouse! You love him more than anyone in the whole world! That’s why you’re marrying him, right? So give him the decency of presenting him in a positive light when others ask about him.
As a newlywed, I got asked often about my new husband and about our relationship (both in positive and negative ways). I found it helpful to keep one or two positive aspects of married life up my sleeve for conversation pieces. Not only did this make for more interesting conversations in general, but I always tried to emphasize to others my husband’s good points, even if I was currently annoyed at him for something or other.
If it helps, imagine if your roles were reversed. If your husband was hanging out with his buddies and one of them asked, “How’s married life?” how would you feel if he answered, “Ugh! She’s always nagging me about picking up my dirty laundry. And then we had a big fight the other night about something dumb. And man, she is such a bad cook! It’s so gross!”
You’d be really upset, right? Even if all those things were absolutely true, you’d still feel bad that he was airing that around to everyone in the whole world.
Instead, wouldn’t you rather him respond something like, “I’m so happy with her! She’s just the best! Just the other day she did this really nice thing. I’m a lucky man!”
Give your husband the same courtesy. When your friends ask you about him, put your best foot forward and speak positively about him.
Now, I’m not saying you should lie and make up something happy that doesn’t exist. I remember plenty of times in our early marriage answering “How’s married life?” with things like, “He’s been working super hard on finishing his degree, so he’s been really busy lately.” It doesn’t have to be all roses and rainbows, but notice that answer still doesn’t put him down in any way.
Note: I’m speaking very generally here to what we’d call “normal” couples and “normal” day-to-day conversations. You might find that you indeed need to seek outside help and advice for your marriage, and that’s fine. But pick your confidante carefully and talk with them privately. Marital issues should not be something you discuss lightly or casually at work or extended-family gatherings. If your marital issues are severe, I strongly suggest seeking help from a marriage counselor or a religious leader. Still, if that is your situation, remember that your marriage counseling is NOT anyone else’s business and should NOT be shared lightly.
Don’t let others’ experiences bog you down.
I still remember when I was very early engaged. I loved telling people that I was getting married! It’s so exciting!
But do you know what I didn’t love so much? This response: “Oh, the first year of marriage is really, really hard! My husband and I almost didn’t make it! We almost divorced!” or, “My cousin/daughter/roommate/friend/sister–pick any relation at all!–got a divorce before their first anniversary. That first year is SO HARD!”
Wow. Thanks.
In fact, I got that (or similar) responses so often that it really started taking a toll on me and I started to panic.
What the heck was this stupid marriage business if I was going to be totally miserable for an entire year? What the heck was I getting myself into here? Was I doomed to a year of misery and stupidly gambling that maybe, maybe after that first year we might find a little happiness in our marriage? What a sucky gamble.
I remember turning to my best friend, who’d already been married for a few years at that point, and telling her my rising anxiety over this issue. At first she wasn’t super helpful, as she herself said, “Oh yeah, my husband and I almost got divorced in our first year too.” But then she told me the most important piece of this whole issue: “But you know my friend, so-and-so and her husband? You should talk to her. She had a beautiful, happy, amazing first year of marriage.”
It was such a simple little piece of information, but one that was a huge relief. You mean not every single couple in the whole world is doomed to a miserable first year? There’s at least one happy story out there of a couple actually enjoying that first year as newlyweds?
I clung to that example, even though I’d only met this particular friend of hers once and very briefly. And I made a decision: I was not going to be like everyone else out there and “almost not make it” past our first year of marriage. I was determined to love our first year of marriage, to make incredible memories with my new husband, and to fall wonderfully more in love with every passing day.
And guess what? That’s exactly what we did. And we did it because that was the goal that I actively worked toward: a happy first year.
And we had so much fun that year! We went on dates every single Friday night. We traveled, we camped, we went on road trips. We stayed up late. We played games. We shared our holiday traditions and made new traditions together. We went hiking and biking. We took care of his dog together (she called me Step-Mommy). We watched movies. We used up all our gift cards from our wedding. We slept in on Saturdays and snuggled late into the morning. We made big plans for our future together. We talked and talked and talked and talked. We grew so much closer. We fell so much more in love. And we were immensely happy.
And I’m happy to report that that hasn’t changed.
The moral of the story is this: everyone might bombard you with tales of woe and worry in regards to any aspect of your relationship. Take their advice, yes, but remember that you can choose your own path. I was particularly worried about that “really hard” first year of marriage, and so I worked doubly hard to make it great. You can do the same.
Whatever is giving you angst about marriage, it doesn’t have to be that way for you as long as you work to make it great.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
This one sounds cliche, but that’s because it’s genuinely THE MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for you marriage. Trust me. If you skip every other piece of advice, I sincerely beg you to PLEASE read this one and take it very seriously.
Be open with your spouse about EVERYTHING. There should be no reason for secrets between you. Be open about EVERYTHING. Communicate about EVERYTHING. ALL THE TIME.
I’ll break this down into a few specifics for you.
Communicate your feelings.
If something is bothering you, speak up quickly and honestly. If you are scared, stressed, or angry, say so.
I’m a feelings-bottler. I tend to bury my emotions and bottle them up. But believe me when I say that’s a very unhealthy thing to do. Especially in marriage, I learned very quickly that bottled-up emotions become resentful emotions, and resentful emotions don’t stay bottled-up.
If you’re secretly feeling resentment that just builds and builds, you’re way more likely to lash out in a straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back kind of way. And your poor spouse won’t have a clue where this sudden lashing-out came from, because to him you’ve seemed perfectly content all this time.
This principle ties in a lot with my advice not to fight. Remember what I said about “gunny-sacking,” which is keeping every little grievance stored away so you can take them out at your convenience and accuse your spouse of them long after the issue is over and done.
Well emotional “gunny-sacking” exists as well, when you bottle up all your angry emotions into your “gunny sack.” Then, when you finally explode, all those past angry emotions will come spilling out of that sack at your spouse.
Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.
Also remember what I spoke about in regards to not fighting: you can indeed communicate your emotions, even your angry ones, in a calm and productive way.
Yes, communicate your feelings, but no, don’t bottle them up and lash out later.
Communicate your expectations.
“Frustration results in unmet expectations.”
That’s my mom’s wisest little nugget, because it’s so true. The pessimists of the world interpret that as, “I should have low expectations all the time so I’ll never be frustrated.” I prefer to take the realist approach: Expect the unexpected and plan on the unplanned.
The same goes for marriage. I can’t stress enough how much more smoothly your life will you go if you openly and honestly communicate your expectations as much as possible.
It’s November right now, and planning upcoming holidays is a perfect example of this. I try to be as open as possible about how I expect each day to pan out, where we need to be and when, and what kinds of things I want to get accomplished.
In fact, we just had a perfect example of bad holiday communication last week. I’d been talking excitedly with my mom about my youngest brother coming home the day before Thanksgiving and together we planned two big family days, both Wednesday and Thursday that week, to celebrate his return.
Did I think to communicate this with my husband? No, like a shmuck. I just assumed it would all work out, and I sat on this knowledge and these plans for over a week before the thought occurred to me that I should practice good communication.
Lo and behold, when I told my husband all these great plans for Wednesday (the day before Thanksgiving), he told me that he’d only just volunteered to cover for a coworker that day and would be working instead.
Yikes! If only I’d communicated with him earlier, like as soon as the plans had been made.
Luckily for us, my husband worked it all out and now can get the day off for our big family day, but I could have saved him a lot of headache if I’d only communicated better and earlier. Sorry!
Planning trips and vacations is the exact same principle: communicate your expectations! We had a week-long family reunion over the summer and I sat down with my husband early on to look at the reunion schedule. We both knew that it simply wasn’t possible for him to take the entire week off, so instead we looked at the schedule and I communicated as clearly as possible which days and activities were most important to me that he attend, and so those were the days he got work off and planned to be with me and my family.
Holidays and vacations are kind of big examples, though. Still, its important to communicate your expectations for little things too.
My husband and I had a frustrating lack-of-communication struggle a while back. I remember it began during my first pregnancy when I was a lot more physically limited. I’d find myself making a mental To Do list that I needed his help with, which were all those physical things that I couldn’t easily do myself–things like rearranging furniture, moving things up and down the stairs, getting storage boxes off of high shelves, that kind of stuff.
Come Saturday, I’d spring out of bed all ready to go! “I need you to do this, and this, and this, and this today!” I’d announce to him out of the blue.
To both our frustrations, my enthusiastic Honey-Do list was more often answered with, “Uh, I don’t have time for that. I need to do this other thing, and this other thing, and this other thing, and this other thing today.”
Turns out we both got bad communication points for that, and we both walked away frustrated.
So I learned to better communicate those chores and errands I especially needed his help with in advance. It’s become typical for our Friday evenings to be spent communicating our weekend plans. I find it most productive to begin the conversation by asking him what he wanted to accomplish that Saturday, and just as often as not he’ll respond, “I don’t have any plans. Do you?” and then we can go over that Honey-Do list of mine and our weekend is that much smoother and more productive.
Communicate your needs and your wants.
This covers a whole lot of things. Communicate your physical needs, your emotional needs, and your general I-need-your-help needs.
YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT A MIND READER. YOUR SPOUSE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE A MIND READER.
Be open. Be honest. Don’t make your spouse guess what you want or how you want it. I promise he will thank you for being straightforward.
When I was a very early newlywed, I found myself slipping to a particular trap. I loved my brand new husband so, so, so much (and I still do!) that I wanted him to have everything he ever wanted–I wanted to give him everything he ever wanted.
That’s a perfectly fine mentality on its own, until I realized that I too often was shoving my own needs and desires aside to meet his first. Selflessness is admirable, but making yourself into a doormat is not.
Ironically, my brand new husband had the exact same mentality in mind. He also wanted to give me everything I ever wanted and to make me wonderfully happy. Again, it’s an admirable goal, but unfortunately too many of our conversations went like this:
“So what do you want?”
“Oh, whatever you want. I’m flexible. What do you want?”
“I want whatever you want.”
“I don’t really care. Just whatever you want.”
“Well it doesn’t matter either way to me. We can do whatever you want.”
“Okay, but it’s fine with me. What do you want?”
And on and on. Do you see the issue?
And these conversations ranged in importance from little things like what movie we should watch to big things like whose family we should spend which holidays with. We both wanted to make the other happy and avoid stepping on his/her toes so much that we didn’t get anywhere at all.
Remember, selflessness is commendable. At the same time, honesty is also commendable.
There’s nothing selfish in saying, “I’m in the mood for pizza for dinner,” or, “I’m too stressed out to have this difficult conversation right now. Give me a little time,” or “This Christmas tradition is really important to me and I want to continue doing it.”
My husband and I had another communication issue early in our marriage: Whenever my husband was stressed about something, I’d of course want to help. “What do you need?” I’d ask, or sometimes offer something more specific like, “What if I did This Thing and just take care of it so you don’t have to worry about it. Would that help?”
His most-common answer to both: “I don’t know.”
I interpreted that answer literally, that he didn’t know what he needed or if I could help him. So I did nothing. I assumed that he’d figure it out and come to me when he knew how I could help.
Only he’d never come. And he’d get more and more stressed until finally he’d burst and say, “I just can’t handle This Thing right now! I don’t have time and it’s stressing me out!”
“Well I offered to take care of it for you,” I countered, “But you never told me that’s what you wanted.”
Eventually I caught on: Whenever he answered, “I don’t know,” he actually meant, “Yes, that would indeed be helpful.”
And so I talked to him about it. “Just tell me yes,” I told him over and over. “I won’t be offended. I won’t be upset. I want to help you! Just tell me yes!”
It was a hard habit for him to break. I know that it came from that same place as wanting to make me happy: he didn’t want to burden me or demand things from me, stuff like that. But, as I reminded him, helping him isn’t a demanding burden, especially when I offered to do it.
We’re married, after all; we’re a team! Part of marriage is sharing the workload, so speak up when you need help! Communicate!
Every now and then he’ll still slip back into that old habit and tell me, “I don’t know,” instead of just accepting or asking for my help. And still I try to remind him by clarifying, “Do you really not know or do you actually mean yes?”
Seriously, be open. Be honest. Be straightforward. Say what you really mean.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. You’ll both be happier for it.
Don’t test your spouse.
I have a personal pet peeve regarding relationships and it’s one that I think the media has pushed into normalcy. It’s the concept that you need to “test” your spouse.
The following clip from Friends is probably the best example of this very issue:
There’s a few big takeaways from this:
First, DON’T ask your spouse “trap” questions, such as “Does this dress make me look fat?” Your intention with such a question isn’t to actually gauge how flattering or not that particular outfit is, it’s to “test’ your husband to see if he automatically responds “no” or not. Basically you’re setting yourself up for hurt feelings and a stupid fight that never should have started in the first place.
Second, COMMUNICATE what you want! I already covered this one, but it’s so important that it needs addressing twice.
In the above clip, Ross uses the example of picking up your significant other from the airport: do you send a cab or meet her at baggage claim? And Ross answers “Secret Option #3: meet her at the gate.”
Let me clue you in here: DON’T MAKE SECRET OPTIONS. DON’T EXPECT SECRET OPTIONS. DON’T GET MAD IF YOUR SPOUSE DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR STUPID SECRET OPTION.
If you want your hubby to meet you at the stinking gate, then TELL HIM you want him to meet you at the stinking gate. COMMUNICATE!
I’ve written about this issue here when I wrote about Valentine’s Day, because it’s a big issue that pops up around Valentine’s Day the most. If you tell your spouse, “Let’s not exchange Valentine’s gifts this year,” then DON’T EXPECT A GIFT. If you say, “I’d rather stay in for Valentine’s Day,” then DON’T EXPECT him to plan an extravagant outing.
Remember, there’s no harm in saying, “Yes, I’d like to exchange gifts,” or “Yes, I’d like to make Valentine’s Day a big deal.” But DO NOT, under any circumstances, expect your hubby to magically assume that you actually mean the complete opposite of what you say.
Because guess what? If you say, “No, I don’t want a gift,” when you really do then that just makes you a BIG FAT LIAR!
And you shouldn’t LIE to your spouse. You would think that’s a given, but apparently not.
Remember, don’t lie to your spouse, don’t trap your spouse, and don’t test your spouse. Be freaking honest. Good gravy.
To Sum Up…
My Six Best Pieces of Marriage Advice:
- “Happily Ever After” does exist!
- Don’t fight.
- Don’t speak negatively about your spouse.
- Don’t let others’ experiences bog you down.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate!
- Don’t test your spouse.
Congrats on your engagement and may you have a wonderfully successful and happy marriage together!
